Cocktailcrafting: Happy Gilmore (Director's Cut)

The following post was inspired by some of the folks over at the Regretsy forums. It was suggested that we, the members, put together a cookbook to sell in the April's Army charity shop. I immediately knew what I wanted to contribute, and here it is. My thanks to those fuckers for inspiring this post.

This is an adaptation of a recipe I saw on the Something Awful forums, in a wonderful, terrible thread about bachelor life. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I didn't, and good luck with your liver.

Happy Gilmore (Director's Cut)

Ingredients:

• Cheapass sweet tea vodka
• Hard lemonade
• Ice
• Regret
• The fleeting memory of a warm summer day

Directions:

Acquire one very large glass, like, larger than a pint glass. Trust me, you'll need it. (Alternately, acquire two pint glasses for the classic "double fist" preparation.)

Throw a bunch of ice in the glass(es). Like, tons of that shit. Yeah, that looks good.

Add an indeterminate amount of sweet tea vodka. Two or four shots should do it. Don't want to look like a lightweight, do you?

Top with a bottle of hard lemonade. Giggle at the word 'top'. Also, 'hard'.

Consider stirring your beverage, but decide against it because the utensil used would just be one more thing to wash, and hey, the lemonade is fizzy and seems to be mixing things just fine on its own.

Drink.

Regret your decision to craft such a cocktail, but continue drinking anyway because you made it and you're not going to waste perfectly good booze.

Top off glass with more hard lemonade because the sweet tea vodka is just too damn sweet.

Drink.

Wait for ice to melt a bit.

Drink.

Bemoan your poor life choices.

Repeat above steps until you have passed out.

Permission has been granted by the author for Regretsy and its affiliate April's Army to reproduce this post in whole or in part.

~Mizu